NYR 2010

• Never miss a prayer
• Think better of me and have more confidence
• Stop procrastinating (and I know it’s impossible for me *ugh*)
• Updates my blog more often
• Think more positively and stop these mood swings
• Accept life as it is and stop any attempt to control it
• Have FUN
• Know exactly when to say ‘Yes’ and when to say ‘No’
• Learn a language (Italian) master one (English)
• Learn an instrument (Piano/Guitar)
• Read 2 to 4 books a month (not including my school books)
• Study harder
• Read the paper more regularly
• Lose weight, lots of it *lol*
• Widen my social network and keep in touch with my friends
• Stop pursuing a particular ‘dream’ and move on for good and for real!
• Dress more comfortably

I’ll keep it low … I know resolutions are overrated, it always seem to stay in your head for about a month max – If you are lucky enough- But I’ll do my best this time, I mean if I want things to change I better start paving the road for it! wish I could update this as soon as I’m making progress with my original plan.
I have a good feeling this year, I’ll embrace it and I know for sure that something good is going to happen ISA, I’ve learned from my mistakes (I should!) I have no regrets for my actions, what’s done is done and I think everything happened for a reason!

L O V E

LOVE … the most complicated, cruel, dreadful four-syllable word you will ever come across, It’s confusing, and honestly I don’t know what about it so appealing that you want to fall right into it’s trap, smiling and welcoming more of the romantic crap it feeds you!
Maybe cause you are so empty, your inside is falling apart and you need something to fill in the gaps, you need someone to be there, to hold your hand, to fill your thoughts, your life.
Cause you still believe in the fairy tales with prince charming and the white horses, cause you believe in the true love kiss, dances in the magic ball room and fighting a dragon to get to you.
Cause you just won’t accept that maybe there’s no soul-mates out there, that love is a myth invented by the hopeful romantic people the same ones who put a prince on a white horse and a princess on an endless sleep waiting for his kiss to wake her!
Maybe you are scared to end up alone or worse, in a loveless marriage cause you had to. Cause you have reached an age when the society around you practically push you into accepting the first man who sees you as a potential wife.

And because of these reasons and more, you welcome love to your life, knowing in advance that it won’t exactly be a picnic in the garden, well, it maybe that, but reality-garden is full of thorns that only the lucky ones will pass without some hideous scares that will remain carved in them.
Because of love you change your identity, you become a stranger you don’t recognize, you do the same mistakes over and over again, you get into deep depressions and no one can help you but the one who got you there in the first place. Because of love he is your only cure, he is the man of life, he is the one you will fight the whole world for even if he doesn’t care enough to do the same, he is the one you dream your kids will look like, his words is like balsam to your wounds, he will make you cry and forget to dry those tears, he will never say he’s sorry and you’ll forgive him in a second if he just call your name, he is your prince charming even if he is the exact opposite.

And that’s the ugly side, but what about the beautiful side! When you get to marry your high school sweet-heart, when you meet the one who will sweep you of your feet, when love won’t be destructive and help you be a better person, when love won’t be blind and will see beyond, when he’ll look into your eyes everyday and tell you: you are the best thing that ever happens to me, when he’ll say I love you with each and every little thing he does for the rest of your lives ……….

For those who only experienced the ugly side, I hope love will come around … I hope HE will come around … I hope against hope!

Coming back home …

I knew I would do this, I would start my diary blog, post one entry, then nothing …
But it isn’t the reason why I didn’t write anything, I feel like I don’t have a life to talk about here, since 1st July, I’ve traveled -as a summer vacation- to KSA, the country is nice but it’s just not for me!

So my life became as dull as you can imagine, I don’t do a lot of activities and I don’t want to anyway, I miss my friends, I miss my car, I miss my room, I miss my job *surprised*, I miss a lot of things, and maybe it’s this feeling that kept me from getting the best out of my days here, I’ve pressed ‘pause’ to my life and in about 36 hours I’ll press ‘Play’, I just hope it will be worth watching for a change!

I don’t say I didn’t have even a little fun! I did, mostly with my family, which was refreshing, usually I don’t go out with my sister much and these days I’m kinda stuck with her *lol* , I get to know my 14 years old brother a little better, since I haven’t been seeing him much with the crowded daily life we all have. And above all spending sometime with my father , my uncle also lives here and with his three little girls I said goodbye to quietness and serenity *ugh*, lol.

But this vacation was different, I feel new, not myself ! Mostly in a good way, Now I have new interests, new -hopefully good- view of life and new gained weight, lol.
I’ve decided that what people think of me is not my concern anymore, I will be myself with out thinking of the consequences or who will like me and who won’t!  Life is too short to be suppressed by all these expectations that people have for us, like If I said I don’t like the holidays! … Why, honey? Don’t say that in front of anyone we know! They might think you are depressive and joyless, holidays are fun!! Something must be wrong with you! Or something like this: I don’t like this place, it’s too noisy … ha! You must do that, don’t you? We all want to go there to have some fun and you have to sit like someone you love died, you are too selfish!

What’s wrong with hating the holidays or not wanting to be in a noisy places all the time!!!!

A little rant before I press ‘Play’, can’t wait to be home.

Out of place … Out of time

I am reading ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’ and it seems such an appealing idea to be able to travel through time like that!
To travel through time instead of lingering in my lame present, to the Future where I’ll see that every thing turns out to be just what I hoped it’d be, to see my self happy, I mean really HAPPY like I’ve never been before … in my perfect apartment with two little happy ,healthy kids running around the dinning table, looking exactly like their father, like my kind ,sensitive ,understating, supporting and gorgeous husband.
Then I’ll go to my past to laugh really hard on my ridiculous excuses for being unhappy! For suffering over things that seemed to be important at that time! I won’t change anything, I’ll let my self suffer like I did knowing that all of this will lead to my perfect future, any change may mess up my new life!

I’ll see my self making mistakes, hurting and get hurt, crying, suffering, getting angry over nothing, waste my time wandering around thinking I don’t deserve it, I’ll see my self afraid to take big ,risky steps that can really make me happy and go with the safe option instead, I’ll see my self wasting all my magic moments never knowing it even existed never realizing I wasted the best times of my life doing stupid stuff then regret it seconds later, but do I do something to stop it! No … I’ll let it be, a few more years of this and I’ll make it up for myself, and what’s better than happiness that came after a long time of being sad! It’s the Best!

I’ll have the best future anyone can possibly imagine, knowing then better, I’ll know that I deserve it, I deserve the happiness that I felt impossible to have, I’ll have my soul mate, my perfect companion, my lost compatible peace of puzzle.
He’ll be my everything …
My past, my future … My autumn, my spring … My husband, my friend … My mentor, my lost soul, my ever after happy ending, my eternal sunshine.
My beautiful summer’s night meadow, The best husband anybody could dream of, The perfect painting by the hands of a talented artist, The best peace of music I’ve ever heard, The perfect poem anybody ever wrote.

I know it’s a little too personal to post it here! I’ve never done something like that before, I’ve never even shared this dream, just parts of it, but I didn’t think much writing down these thoughts! I just did!
But after I’ve done it I think it’s a good idea to put my dream out there where I can find it in 2, 5 ,10 years! Whatever time it’ll take to make it there ,to my perfect world-to-be. To realize that I made it, I once dreamed of this life and I now have it!!

To write it down when I still feel the life is fair enough to give me my dreams, when my world still hanging in a happy place, before my suffers and worries grow bigger and scarier!
So excuse me for dreaming! But I’ll do it again! I’ll dream and I’ll have my dreams real soon!
I believe, I have my faith in GOD ,in fate, in fairness of life, in the happy endings, in the eternal happiness, in the earthly paradise, in my own version of Utopia .